You know, I think I've lived a good life so far. My 20 years on this earth I feel have been decently well spent. I have great friends who I can trust and rely on, who I know are there for me when I truly need them. That is a special thing and I am glad that I can say I have those type of people in my life. I have a loving family who I get along with really well, especially recently and I am in college getting good grades and making money. Ive had a great education and have expereinced a lot of different things and done lots of different things. I haven't traveled much but that will come in time. What else could I ask for?
That being said, I don't feel like that right now. I feel as if I've wasted my time on this planet, that I've ignored myself and others around me, acted foolishly, thought foolishly and that I continue to do so and will continue to for the rest of my years. I can't do it. There is always an obstacle, a goal I want to reach. I just can't reach it, just can't overcome that obstacle. I look it in the face, it looks right back and I turn my head. I get the chance, multiple times, and I blow it every single time. This isn't a localized phenonmea, that occurs in only one part of my life, but rather stretches to almost every hardship I face. That wave I want to catch, that perfect wave, I get on it, I AM DOING IT, then I get scared and give up. I reach the hardest part of the challange, and I fail. Same with girls, same damn thing. I can't talk to them, girls I don't know. If I am not introduced or they don't introduce themselves I can't do it myself. I just simply won't, no matter how bad I want to. I can't smile, I can't laugh, I can't talk, I can't do nothing. These are only two examples, you can apply this to anything, learning to play guitar, that fucking B chord is just to hard, fuck it, I'll just play the violin. OH whats that, the violin doesn't sound as good as it used to, fuck it, I'll just try and play guitar again, I have bigger hands anyways. Fuck me.
I remain isolated, alone in a room, I don't pick up the phone, I don't knock on that door, I don't answer the door. What does that say about me? What am I, afriad of confrontation, or just damn afraid PERIOD. I think its the latter, I think I'm just plain afraid. Afraid of myself, afraid of what I could do, afraid of what people think, or what they could think, what they could say, what I could say. Cowerdice, spelled wrong I gurantee you, is my true self. I try to not put on a mask, a disguise, and by trying so hard to not be phoney and fake, thats what I become. I am a walking facade. You see me walking with that blank look on my face, stern, verging on mugging look that I have. What do you think? That I am angry, a thug, some type of fucking wiseguy? Thats not whats going on in my mind, I oughta walk around covered in cotton candy with a boombox blasting "Ramble Tamble" with a smile bigger then the Jokers on my face. Thats closer to what I'm thinking about then being stern, stoic or whatever impression I give off. Girls are scared of me, and I of them. Thats the bottom line to all this bullshit. If I had some love or care from a female this outburst of inscurity wouldn't be necessary. Well I'm off to wander mindlessly through the planes of non-existence. If anyone can figuere out what that means, please let me know.
